Something more useful than optimism
Faith with a reality check
I am reluctantly back on Instagram to let more people know about Good Bones. (Because its siren-like algo steals so much of my time wealth, I’ve resolved to only download it on Fridays and delete it by Sunday).
As I was scrolling last week I stumbled on a clip from Brené Brown talking about something called The Stockdale Paradox.
Admiral James Stockdale was a Navy Aviator and POW in Vietnam. He was tortured and imprisoned for nearly eight years. He was asked how he survived while others perished and he gave this answer:
“(The optimists) believed ‘we’re going to be out by Christmas.’ And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they’d say, ‘We’re going to be out by Easter.’ And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart.”
The Stockdale Paradox is this very carefully threaded alternative to straight optimism:
“You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end — which you can never afford to lose — with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”
Dealing with the stresses of our personal finances don’t come close to navigating the brutality of life as a prisoner of war, but I think this paradox can be a helpful framework for dealing with the former anyway.
What does “prevailing” with your financial goals look like?
What are the “brutal facts of your current reality”?
How can you stop yourself from confusing the faith that things will work out for you, which you need to move forward, with the blind optimism that you just sort of…will?
It’s possible to both have high expectations of ourselves while we grapple with the sober reality of our circumstances. It’s the fighting with reality that can waste our energy in the process.
ETC.
“If you think money is freedom, you’re not free you’re actually a prisoner of money…To be free you have to be free with money and also without money. Then you’re free.” - Peter Koenig
Why are US consumers so angry? It’s not just high prices - The Guardian
Via Paco De Leon’s newsletter, The Nerdletter: “At a certain point, we’re gonna have to build up some machinery, inside our guts, to help us deal with this. Because the technology is just gonna get better and better and better and better. And it’s gonna get easier and easier and more and more convenient, and more and more pleasurable, to be alone with images on a screen, given to us by by people who do not love us but want our money.” - David Foster Wallace, Excerpts from a conversation with David Foster Wallace during the last leg of his Infinite Jest book tour in 1996
“Trying to change ourselves doesn’t workin in the long run because we’re resisting our own energy. Self-improvement can have temporary results, but lasting transformation occurs only when we honor ourselves as the source of wisdom and compassion.” - Pema Chödrön, The Places That Scare You
“It’s time to acknowledge that collective solutions – not shame and blame, piled on top of longstanding inequities – are the key to get us through a tender time in our family’s lives. How we handle elder care in the next 20 years is going to shape the future of this country in innumerable ways; our economic and ethical future hangs in the balance.” - Courtney E. Martin, Caring for aging parents is becoming a financial nightmare in the United States. Here’s what we can do. | The Guardian
This past week I met up with Sneha Rampalli of Money Whispers and participated in an intimate chat about work, life, values and finances with some incredible women! Plus there were delicious cookies! Sneha’s newsletter is filled with gems and I’m sure DM readers would love to check it out.
All hail Berna and this amazing credit/credit score explainer:
I still have a handful of coaching slots between now and when I head out on maternity leave! I’d love to meet as many interested folks while my time wealth is ~ample~ so schedule a free, no pressure 30-minute intro session if you’re ready to learn more and get some support wrangling your personal finances. Here’s a review from Emily, a recent Good Bones Edit graduate:
What would you tell a friend about the program?
“I had such a great experience working with Bethel. She met me where I was with my finances and helped me get a better understanding of where I needed to be given my current lifestyle and expected upcoming changes. Both Bethel and her program are approachable and well-paced, including the homework assignments.”
Do you believe the program is a good value? Why or why not?
“Absolutely; the total hours spent together showed Bethel’s expertise and seemed well worth what I paid.”
Thanks Emily! And if you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading.
-Bethel
I'm so glad there's a name to this, the Stockdale Paradox. Welcome (back) to Instagram, and it was genuinely such a DELIGHT meeting you in person Bethel :)