What do you need? What do you want?
And what conditions affect those answers?
This week I want to talk about the specific circumstances I was in when I paid off my $54,000 student loan balance and how they affected my budget. (I will drop real numbers from my budget in August 2019).
The years were 2018-2020.
It was a time with roommates.
It was a time with a regular income.
It was a time when I wasn’t paying for my own healthcare.
It was a time before massive inflation and a global pandemic.
It was a time with no dependents, no child care, no pets, no major health crises.
All of those factors made my basic monthly “needs” pretty minimal when I sat down to look at them.
My “needs”
The bare minimum I needed to live each month and maintain my most basic life pleasures — a gym membership and a Spotify subscription — was $1,680 (which, in today’s dollars is $2,104! Inflation, man…). (My AFC study materials say we can think of things like a gym membership or a Spotify subscription as “high-priority wants” rather than needs).
The rest of what I made each month, could, in theory go toward my debt.
I did give myself permission to spend on small pleasures — my “wants.” But another set of conditions — emotional conditions I would and wouldn’t wish on anyone — affected how I spent those.
Grieving a parent doesn’t end at the end of your 5-7 allotted bereavement days.
It affects everyone differently, but it sure as hell doesn’t resolve quickly for anyone.
There is no magic cure, no spa weekend1, no number of distractions that can “solve” your grief.
Your heart simply breaks and breaks and breaks over and over and over again.
In the beginning, for the first few weeks, you wake up and have this brief moment where you still think you live in a world that your loved one is still in.
And then you remember.
And then it happens again the next morning and you never know when it will end.
Turns out all this grieving took energy.
After work, all I wanted to do was go home, get in my pajamas, make dinner and watch Netflix in my room.
…very budget-friendly sad girl activities! (Also, again, this whole endeavor was fueled by the fact that I knew my dad was sad that I was so indebted. Reaching debt freedom was a way of helping me feel like I was doing something that, without a doubt, he’d approve of).
The two years I paid off my debt were also affected by something I would wish on other people.
I had a musician boyfriend (now husband) who lived in Harlem. I lived in Bed-Stuy. Our go-to date idea was meeting in the middle, in Washington Square Park, talking and people-watching over iced coffee. (That is still a great date idea, honestly. Please steal it. If you visit NYC, do it).
Sometimes I’d see him play shows, obviously comp’d as a band member’s girlfriend.
Sometimes he’d come over on days I just needed to leave work and be horizontal in my room.
It was a time of grief, but it was also a time that was so full of deep love, companionship and excitement.
I didn’t have to buy opportunities to experience those things because I already had them built into my life in everyday moments with him. (barf, I KNOW.)
My “wants”
These were how much I allotted to “wants.” (Remember, this was also in an age of affordable Ubers):
Ideally, my wants were down to $500 each month. I usually went over in each of these categories, hence the $700 AMEX bill from the month prior that made this particular month’s wants $1,200. It’s worth knowing that I was a bridesmaid in a wedding the month prior, so often the credit card bill wouldn’t be as high.
When I did overshoot on these “wants”, I didn’t say to myself: “Well, I blew it. Might as well go crazy!” Because that would prolong monk mode! My incentive to maximize my monthly debt payments outweighed my impulse to overspend, and my impulse to overspend was tempered by my conditions: grieving + in a very fulfilling relationship that didn’t require massive spending to nurture.
There are very likely times that are more and less ideal to make major money moves.
But I think, in all seasons of life, it’s worth taking a look at what you actually need to live and what experiences and relationships actually enrich your life.
I didn’t have to live on very little — it was a choice. But the practice of doing it over two years affected me in the years after I’d reached debt freedom.
I got into the habit of noticing what material and non-material things were worth it to me.
Twice this week I went to Manhattan for happy hours with two sets of old friends. Both were at bars, but the drinks2 weren’t what made the experiences worth it.
Both times, it was the feeling of listening and being heard. Of catching up on each other’s recent histories and joys and struggles. Of cheerleading and laughing and commiserating. Of sharing memes and pictures afterward.
The debt is gone, the awareness isn’t.
ETC.
The case of the $2,000 pizza - by Contrapoints, my favorite, Peabody award winning Virginian.
On summits, false summits and dreams - Vlogbrothers
Thank you, as always, to everyone who has shown support for this project, in messages, in phone calls and in subscriptions! I appreciate you.
I’m going to take a break next couple of weeks to focus on the final stretch of studying for my AFC exam. I have major test anxiety so I’d appreciate any good vibes you can send my way!
All my best,
Bethel
Before I left Virginia after my dad’s passing, my mom sent me to a Korean spa — one of those where everyone’s naked — to get a full body scrub and massage. The sensory overload was kind of helpful honestly.
I noticed that the two cocktails the first night made it harder to sleep. The single beer the second night was actually pretty nice.